Jillian: They had rules in place that made it easier to have what I would call a quality connection with someone. Julia: What was it about Camp Grounded that fostered those friendships? In three days, I formed deeper friendships with people than I had in my six months in New York City. Then I went to Camp Grounded, a digital detox summer camp for adults. Jillian: I became obsessed with finding events, but, to be honest, I wasn't going to the right spaces at first. Julia: So how did that lead to The Joy List? I had this moment: "If I got sick, or if I was going through something really traumatic, or if something was happening to a family member, there is really no one in my life who I would be comfortable talking to about that. Then, over time, it struck me: I'm a really outgoing person, and it's really easy for me to go to events by myself and talk to new people, but I still felt this sense of disconnection. It was a sad night, and I felt deeply alone. Let's go back to that first night: What happened in the end? Did you go out? Saying "no" is kind of like rejecting somebody, so a "maybe" option inflicts less pain.
I'm only just learning how to set clear boundaries with my time, understanding how I want to spend it and when it's okay to tell people "no." But the "maybe" function ties into that discomfort. Jillian: Hearing you say that, it reminds me: A lot of my friends and I have been discussing boundaries recently. Julia: I wonder if it's degrading good etiquette. Jillian: As an event organizer, the "maybe" function is the worst thing ever. There's something about the "interested" button on Facebook event invites that bothers me, thusly. Julia: I was raised to respond to invites promptly and to commit to my answer. I can offer that I think I became so drawn to group events because if I planned on going with a friend and they couldn't make it in the end, I was still going to be surrounded by people. Julia: Are people flakier these days, in your experience? Julia: So, there was a plan to hang out and he just flaked? As I got ready, I texted him, and he wasn't replying. Jillian: My first night here, I was so excited: "I moved to New York City! I'm an adult! I'm going to do so many cool things!" My one friend who lived here was going to take me out. Julia: So what about the loneliness piece? Their feelings of self-worth tended to be tied to other people's approval of them, and there was this depressive personality type: "We don't feel totally comfortable being vulnerable with each other, so we'll just tell a bunch of jokes, making fun of each other and making fun of ourselves." I still default to that if I'm uncomfortable, but I didn't want to participate in a community where that was the norm.
I met with agents and I was on an indie improv team–it was happening!–but I noticed that successful comics did not seem like happy people.
I purposefully graduated from college early because I was just so excited to move to the city and start my life as a comedy writer. Jillian: The newsletter was born of my own experience with loneliness when I moved to New York City three years ago. So, yes, Jillian is busy, but she thankfully set aside some time for The Lonely Hour. Every Monday morning for two and a half years now, she has sent out the curated list of New York City-based events to her over 10,000 subscribers–and she plans to expand The Joy List to other cities soon.Īnd she's writing a book! Unlonely Planet comes out in July. Jillian Richardson is "on a mission to make the world less lonely" with The Joy List.